For Your Consideraton: Nikola Tesla

Behind that glorious-in-context mustachio and that saucy expression lies the brain, heart, and digestive tract of a mad genius.

Often sidelined by public education in favor of his scientific rival, and I imagine arch nemisis, Thomas Alva Edison. While Edison was fucking around with lightbulbs, Tesla was busy harnessing electrical energy/inventing robots/blowing shit up with his crazy-ass Serbian mind (probably).

And, besides, did Edison have a mustache? Fuck no.

He also kind of looks like Ralph Fiennes. There, Hollywood, I did the work for you. Now give this man the movie he deserves. Dragons are optional, but robot battles are required.

Sergio's Mustache Intervention

I don't know about you, but I pretty much live on CurrentTV now that we upgraded our cable package. Many shows reside on this little-known corner of television, like Al Gore's cutting edge news program Vanguard, the Rotton Tomatoes Show and InfoMania (a combo of Tosh.0 and The Soup.) And one of my favorite segments in it is Sergio's Music Intervention. It consists of a rather bored looking man, Sergio, calling out musicians on the shitty things they are doing, whether it be the loss of street cred, or their carreer as a whole. I knew once this man flushed Birdy Cyrus down the toilet, we would have a pretty pleasent relationship.

But there's one problem.



Yeah.

In case your confused, this...thing, rates as a 2 on the Stach-O-Meter (to your right.) That's right. The Pencil.

Not only this, but it also extends into a pretty embarassing goatee. Now, I'm all for freedom of facial hair, but I think we all can admit this combination is just ridiculous. So, Sergio, Teller of It Is, please, we beg of you. Just stop.

And I leave you with this gem.

For Your Consideration: Paddy Considine in Hot Fuzz

Just a moment, things are going to get meta.

In a movie already brimming with choice facial hair, Paddy's is the douchiest.

Freddie Mercury's Lip Caterpillar

This man. This man.

I mean, look at that thing. It's glorious.

For Your Consideration: Charlie Chaplin

Don't worry, C. We all know Hitler totally stole your look.

No, seriously. To make Hitler more likeable, his advisors uh, advised him to ape the style of a very popular actor of the time, the one and only Chap. Jokes on him, though. Him and the people of Tomania.

Do People Really Like My New Mustache?

Because I'm an asshole, I internet-subscribe to the McSweeney's website. They did a story about mustaches.

Here it is.

For Your Consideration: This Gentleman

The ultimate Glasgow Grin. Beautiful.

Here's where that man came from. And many more. So many more...

For Your Consideration: Mark Twain

You know what that mustache says? "I don't fear death. If I did, I'd shave this thing off, because it is blatantly trying to eat my face."

And then some Mississippi erotica.

Chuck Norris

You know him. I know him. He walks on Jesus, he decides the time, he cures cancer, he conquers empires and, most importantly, he is better then you in every way. And that's just his mustache.

If there was any mop of facial hair worthy of Hall of Famer status, it would be this one.

For Your Consideration: Teddy

Theodore Roosevelt. The 26th President of the United States. Explorer. Hunter. Pleasurer of women. Probably hundreds.

But most of all, he was a badass. A badass with a mustache of champions.

Look at him. Look in his eyes. Those of you not yet dead from the intensity of his stare, go to your mirror and hope your mustache grows to even half that luxuriousness.

Even if you don't, just look away. You're not worthy.

Greetings, Mustache Lovers!

Hello there! We are two Stache-enthusiasts blogging about the thing we love. In need of further explanation? Please see your palm.